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ISSUE 169

Where Is Your Third Space?

You have to pick the places you don’t walk away from.
Joan Didion

Hi dear friend!

There is a gym I’ve been going to for five years, where I know the regulars, hug the manager every time I see him and ask how his daughters are, and can easily spend twenty minutes talking to my favorite barista about life purpose or whatever question happens to be on our minds that day.

There is a coffee shop in central London with a beautiful garden and those Parisian-like green chairs, where my husband and I usually go on weekends. We read, write, work, or just people-watch.

There is a co-working space I always go to when I’m in Tbilisi, Georgia. A favorite communal table and the best ginger-lemon tea I’ve had anywhere. It’s where I sat for hours editing and designing the rough draft of Sappy Medium book, surrounded by people I didn’t really know, but somehow felt comfortable around.

I’d always thought of these as just places I love. Turns out there is a word for them: third places (also called spaces). The term comes from sociology. Home is your first space. Work is your second. A third space is anywhere else. Somewhere you return to often enough that it becomes its own category entirely.

Maybe your third place isn’t a gym or a coffee shop. Maybe it’s the dog park at 7 a.m., where you know the other regulars by their dogs’ names before you know theirs. Maybe it’s the same breakfast spot every Sunday. A vintage shop where the owner knows what you like. A bookstore where you always browse the same shelf first. The homeware store you keep returning to whenever you want to make your space feel fresh and cozy. The florist who knows which flowers you usually pick. A running route you could do with your eyes closed. The hairdresser’s chair you sit in. A library table... You name it.

At home, we’re usually managing something, like a household, a relationship, a list. At work, we’re usually performing something – competence, availability, a version of ourselves assembled for other people’s expectations.

A third place doesn’t ask either of those things of us, because there is no role to play there. And maybe that’s exactly why we become someone slightly different in them. Or maybe, it’s even the reverse. Maybe a third space is the one place you’re not managing an impression of yourself for anyone, which might make it, weirdly, the most you you can be.

You know this if you have your third space. Your gym self might be more social, more disciplined, and more willing to be seen as human and imperfect. Your coffee-shop self might be more inspired, focused, and willing to actually finish things, instead of just planning to. Maybe your language-class self talks to strangers you’d normally never approach, because you’re both struggling with the same verb tense and there is nothing left to be embarrassed about.

And I honestly don’t think we go back for the good coffee, or the workout, or the ambiance, or the company. I think we go back for who we get to be there, someone closer to who we are underneath all the managing and performing. You just are it, for however long you’re there, and then you leave and go back to being whoever you have to be everywhere else. Which would mean third places aren‘t a nice-to-have part of our lives. They might be one of the only places left where we get to just be, without an audience or a job to do.

It’s also easier than ever to lose your third space without noticing. Groceries get delivered whenever you need them. Workouts can happen at home, with an app, headphones in. Coffee takes a couple of minutes to make at home and you can get multiple refills. None of that is wrong, of course, it’s simply comfortable and efficient in a way that edits the third spaces out of your week, if you let it.

Which is why it hurts when you actually lose one. A café closes and you feel a loss out of proportion to how often you actually went there. You move neighborhoods and unexpectedly miss the things you used to complain about. You know, I recently walked past my old university library in Spain and something tightened in my chest, much to my own surprise.

I don’t think we’re missing the place. I think we’re missing the routine that lived inside it. The season of our life it witnessed. The version of us that existed there and, in some way, doesn’t anymore.

You can miss a place the way you miss a person because, in its own strange but beautiful way, it knew you too. So, where does a version of you still live? And when was the last time you visited it?

Maybe this can be one too, in its small way. This newsletter that shows up in your inbox every week, whether or not you asked it to. Our third place, for however long you keep opening these emails.

With love, 
Veronica Joce,
Senior Editor at Intelligent Change

Let’s keep talking. Leave your question here

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28:T2449,[SHOP](https://www.intelligentchange.com/collections) [NEW ARRIVALS](https://www.intelligentchange.com/collections/new) [READ](https://www.intelligentchange.com/blogs/read) ISSUE 169 Where Is Your Third Space? You have to pick the places you don=E2=80=99t walk away from. Joan Didion Hi dear friend! There is a gym I=E2=80=99ve been going to for five years, where I know the = regulars, hug the manager every time I see him and ask how his daughters ar= e, and can easily spend twenty minutes talking to my favorite barista about= life=C2=A0[purpose](https://www.intelligentchange.com/collections/journals= /products/life-designer-journal) or whatever [question](https://www.intelli= gentchange.com/collections/play/products/get-closer-conversation-game-shado= w-self) happens to be on our minds that day. There is a coffee shop in central London with a beautiful garden and those = Parisian-like green chairs, where my husband and I usually go on weekends. = We read, [write](https://www.intelligentchange.com/collections/stationery/p= roducts/premium-notebook-beige), work, or just people-watch. There is a co-working space I always go to when I=E2=80=99m in Tbilisi, Geo= rgia. A favorite communal table and the best ginger-lemon tea I=E2=80=99ve = had anywhere. It=E2=80=99s where I sat for hours editing and designing=C2= =A0=E2=80=8B[the rough draft of Sappy Medium book](https://www.intelligentc= hange.com/products/sappymedroughdraft), surrounded by people I didn=E2=80= =99t really know, but somehow felt comfortable around. I=E2=80=99d always thought of these as just places I love. Turns out there = is a word for them: third places (also called spaces). The term comes from = sociology. Home is your first space. Work is your second. A third space is = anywhere else. Somewhere you return to often enough that it becomes its own= category entirely. Maybe your third place isn=E2=80=99t a gym or a coffee shop. Maybe it=E2=80= =99s the dog park at 7 a.m., where you know the other regulars by their dog= s=E2=80=99 names before you know theirs. Maybe it=E2=80=99s the same breakf= ast spot every Sunday. A vintage shop where the owner knows what you like. = A bookstore where you always browse the same shelf first. The homeware stor= e you keep returning to whenever you want to make your space feel fresh and= cozy. The florist who knows which flowers you usually pick. A running rout= e you could do with your eyes closed. The hairdresser=E2=80=99s chair you s= it in. A library table... You name it. At home, we=E2=80=99re usually managing something, like a household, a rela= tionship, a list. At work, we=E2=80=99re usually performing something =E2= =80=93 competence, availability, a version of ourselves assembled for other= people=E2=80=99s expectations. A third place doesn=E2=80=99t ask either of those things of us, because the= re is [no role to play](https://www.intelligentchange.com/collections/journ= als/products/the-stoic-journal) there. And maybe that=E2=80=99s exactly why= we become someone slightly different in them. Or maybe, it=E2=80=99s even = the reverse. Maybe a third space is the one place you=E2=80=99re not managi= ng an impression of yourself for anyone, which might make it, weirdly,=C2= =A0=E2=80=8B[the most you you can be.](https://www.intelligentchange.com/co= llections/journals/products/notes-to-mindfulness-journal-sunset) You know this if you have your third space. Your gym self might be more soc= ial, more disciplined, and more willing to be seen as human and imperfect. = Your coffee-shop self might be more inspired, focused, and willing to [actu= ally finish things](https://www.intelligentchange.com/collections/productiv= ity/products/quarterly-productivity-planner), instead of just planning to. = Maybe your language-class self talks to strangers you=E2=80=99d normally ne= ver approach, because you=E2=80=99re both struggling with the same verb ten= se and there is nothing left to be embarrassed about. And I honestly don=E2=80=99t think we go back for the good coffee, or the w= orkout, or the ambiance, or the company. I think we go back for who we get = to be there, someone closer to [who we are underneath all the managing and = performing.](https://www.intelligentchange.com/collections/bundles/products= /shadow-work-bundle) You just are it, for however long you=E2=80=99re there= , and then you leave and go back to being whoever you have to be everywhere= else. Which would mean third places aren=E2=80=98t a nice-to-have part of = our lives. They might be one of the only places left where we get to [just = be](https://www.intelligentchange.com/collections/journals/products/3xhappi= erjournal), without an audience or a job to do. It=E2=80=99s also easier than ever to lose your third space without noticin= g. Groceries get delivered whenever you need them. [Workouts](https://www.i= ntelligentchange.com/collections/journals/products/five-minute-journal-fit)= can happen at home, with an app, headphones in. Coffee takes a couple of m= inutes to make at home and you can get multiple refills. None of that is wr= ong, of course, it=E2=80=99s simply comfortable and efficient in a way that= edits the third spaces out of your week, if you let it. Which is why it hurts when you actually lose one. A caf=C3=A9 closes and yo= u feel a loss out of proportion to how often you actually went there. You m= ove neighborhoods and unexpectedly miss the things you used to complain abo= ut. You know, I recently walked past my old [university library](https://ww= w.intelligentchange.com/collections/journals/products/the-five-minute-journ= al-graduate-edition)=C2=A0in Spain and something tightened in my chest, muc= h to my own surprise. I don=E2=80=99t think we=E2=80=99re missing the place. I think we=E2=80=99r= e missing [the routine](https://www.intelligentchange.com/products/the-five= -minute-journal-green)=C2=A0that lived inside it. The [season of our life](= https://www.intelligentchange.com/collections/journals/products/becoming-a-= warrior-journal) it witnessed. [The version of us](https://www.intelligentc= hange.com/collections/journals/products/life-designer) that existed there a= nd, in some way, doesn=E2=80=99t anymore. You can miss a place the way you miss a person because, in its own strange = but beautiful way, it knew you too. So, where does a version of you still l= ive? And when was the last time you visited it? Maybe this can be one too, in its small way. This newsletter that shows up = in your inbox every week, whether or not you asked it to. Our third place, = for however long you keep opening these emails. With love,=E2=80=A8 Veronica Joce, Senior Editor at Intelligent Change [Let=E2=80=99s keep talking. Leave your question here](https://intelligentc= hange.typeform.com/ask-veronica) In The Spotlight A reason to visit your favorite spot There is something nice about finding something you love in a place you alr= eady love going to. Our new limited-edition [Five Minute Journal](https://w= ww.intelligentchange.com/products/the-five-minute-journal) prints are arriv= ing at selected retailers now, including Paper Source, Barnes & Noble, Urba= n Outfitters, and more.=E2=80=8BSo if one of those happens to be part of yo= ur own third-space routine =E2=80=93 the bookstore you always wander into, = the stationery shop you never leave empty-handed, or the store you stop by = when you want a little inspiration =E2=80=93 keep an eye out. [Find Your Gratitude Journal =E2=86=92](https://www.intelligentchange.com/p= roducts/the-five-minute-journal) https://www.intelligentchange.com/collections Enjoyed this newsletter? Send it to a friend. Was Intelligent Weekly forwarded to you from a friend? If so, you can [sign= up for more here.](https://manage.kmail-lists.com/subscriptions/subscribe?= a=3DnFEe3R&g=3DVU8Fit) Live a full life. Leave a small footprint. Sustainable routines begin with = sustainable practices. We use only natural, recycled, and biodegradable mat= erials and are committed to donating a portion of our profits, products, an= d time to causes around the world.=C2=A0 No longer want to receive these emails? 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